taking a break
Posted: November 28, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized 6 Comments »just to let you know: i’m going to take a break from blogging. i’m kind of in a bad place right now and i just can’t write. my mind is all blank, which is really frustrating. blogging has become more exhausting than relieving and i guess that’s not how it should be. so i’m going to give up trying for a while.
please please don’t forget me. i promise i’ll be back eventually. i love blogging and i will get back to it as soon as i can. so long… thanks for the nice words and the support and everything. you guys really helped me and i’m going to miss you.
just like every day
Posted: November 25, 2011 Filed under: depression, eating disorder | Tags: anorexia, binge eating disorder, clinic, depression, eating disorder, eating disorders, EDNOS, family, friends 3 Comments »12:00 pm, my alarm goes off. just like every day. i’m not planning to get up though. just like every day. i close my eyes again. try to remember the dream that i just had. i dreamed that i binged. i’ve been dreaming about bingeing every single night this week, which is not a good sign. it means that my body wants food.
the phone rings. should i answer? it could be my sister. maybe she needs me to pick her up from the train station. just like every day. i have to get it. i get out of bed, curse, hurry down the stairs. half way there i realize that my dad took the car to work this morning, so i couldn’t pick up my sister. and she knows that. so it can’t be her. oh well. now that i’m there, i can just as well pick up.
“hello?” “hey, it’s me, mom.” oh awesome. i wish i hadn’t picked up. “hey mom.” “how are you?” “tired.” i’m too tired to lie. after all, i just woke up 2 minutes ago. “because of the meds.” yes. partly because of the meds. and also because i went to bed at 5:30 am because my sleeping pattern is fucked up. “no.” i can’t have her know all that. i want them to think that i’m ok.
“hm. are you eating enough?” what the fuck. she knows that i’m not eating enough. “yes.” “we are really really worried about you again.” i can’t deal with this talk right now. too tired. “do we have to discuss that now?” “we have to discuss it eventually. you’re not eating enough.” you already said that. “yeah it’s just not that easy. what am i supposed to do?” “hm you don’t have to eat a lot. but at least promise that you’re going to eat healthy foods and drink enough.”
i am already eating fairly healthy stuff. i’m eating my indonesian or thai food every night. that does at least contain vegetables and chicken. i’ve done far worse. i’ve lived of one cookie and one piece of chocolate a day for two months. now THAT is unhealthy. i’m not in the mood to discuss though. too tired. “yes.”
if she wants, i can have an apple instead of the indonesian thing every night. i’m sure she doesn’t want that. an apple is not a real meal blah blah. i wouldn’t mind though. i’d consume the same amount of calories. “ok. i just wanted you to know that we really are worried.” i know that. there’s no need to tell me over and over again. “yes.” “have a good day. i love you.” “yes.” “i really love you.” yes. bye.” i hang up.
i’m pissed. she promised she’d stop complaining. i am going to her goddamn clinic. and i have 5 months until then. and i’m going to lose as much weight as i can until then. i’m not saying that it’s my family’s fault that i’m restricting this heavily. i would do the same even if i didn’t have to go IP. it’s just that they promised to leave me alone. and they are not keeping their promise. none of them are.
i take my meds, brush my teeth, go back upstairs. just like every day. my cat is still sleeping on his blanket in my bed. i’m so glad i have him. he makes me feel a little less alone. he’s the only one i trust. i do not trust people. i don’t trust them when they say they care about me, i don’t trust them when they say they like me, i don’t trust them when they say they are worried about me. well, my family definitely is worried about me. but that’s because they are my family. they have to be worried. same goes for my best friends. they don’t have a choice. i’m sure that they would not care if they did have a choice. why would they?
it’s 12:30. i have a couple of hours until i’m going to have to skype with my friends. i promised them. i really don’t feel like talking to them though. i don’t feel like talking to anybody. i love my friends but right now everything’s just so… tiring. i talked to some people on facebook chat for like half an hour yesterday and it was just plain exhausting. oh well. i’m going to have to talk to them. as i said, i promised.
i wish i could just sleep until my dad gets home. then get up, have dinner, watch tv with my sister and finally watch tv series online all night. just like every day.
what i am
Posted: November 23, 2011 Filed under: depression, eating disorder | Tags: anorexia, binge eating disorder, depression, eating disorder, eating disorders, EDNOS, family, restricting 9 Comments »i’m sorry i’m not really blogging regularly these days. i just really don’t have much to say. i’m in a pretty bad place again. i can’t get myself to do anything. i need to clean my room but i can’t even get out of bed. literally. i do nothing but lie in bed all day. i sleep a lot. the only time i do get up is when i need to eat. oh and shower.
actually, showering is not easy. i’ve become so weak. not only because i’m not eating and drinking enough but also because my muscles have completely disappeared. at least that’s what it feels like.
i’m still restricting. and i’m planning to keep doing it until i’m going to the clinic. my family is starting to get on my nerves about food again. especially my sister. she’s trying to force me to eat more. or at least eat something else. i’m eating the exact same thing every day. i know that that’s incredibly unhealthy but i don’t give a fuck.
the amounts i’m eating are unhealthy, too. not enough. definitely not enough. but i can’t really eat more. and i don’t even think i want to. restricting has never been this easy. the urge to binge has completely disappeared. i don’t feel the need to eat at all. i do still get hungry, yes. but i’ve gotten used to the hunger.
i wonder where this is going to end. i know that i can restrict for months straight. i’ve done it before. just never this heavily. but it’s ok. i can do this. i know i can. and, as wrong as it sounds, it feels good.
i feel like i’m finally achieving something again. restricting is the only thing i’m really good at. i’ve missed it. it’s what i’m supposed to do. it’s what i am.
deal
Posted: November 21, 2011 Filed under: eating disorder | Tags: anorexia, binge eating disorder, clinic, eating disorder, eating disorders, EDNOS, family, IP, therapy, treatment 4 Comments »so i talked to my parents about the fact that i can’t go IP yet. i pretty much told them that i do not want to get better at this moment and that i’d just go back to restricting once i come back home from the clinic.
my mom cried and cried and cried, my dad said he had to think about it. they obviously still wish i’d go to the clinic now but they can’t force me. what i didn’t tell them yet was that i could get admitted pretty much immediately as the clinic’s waiting lists are super short at the moment.
i’m going to tell them tonight. i called the clinic again earlier today because i wanted to know if i could go there in may instead of right now. the woman i talked to was super unfriendly. doesn’t she see that calling them is hard for people anyway? there’s no need to make it even worse by being a complete bitch.
oh well. apparently they want me to send them my stuff now and add a note that i can’t come until may (may is the earliest i’d go). ok. that means that i’m going to have to see a doctor soon because they want a medical report.
i’m not exactly keen on getting checked by a doctor because it’s going to be super embarrassing as i look like a fat zebra (thanks to my stretch marks and my fat… obviously). but i guess going now makes more sense than going in a month or so. i’ve only been restricting for 3 weeks so my health is still fairly ok.
i’m not really sure if they need a report from my psych, too. i need to find that out. but i’m definitely not going to call and talk to that woman again. i might send them an email.
my mom just called. she said that she’s ok with me staying at home for another couple of months as long as i give her my sleeping pills and that i’m going to be completely honest with them. and that hug her at least one time a day haha. fair enough. i can do that. we have a deal.
wrong
Posted: November 20, 2011 Filed under: depression, eating disorder | Tags: anorexia, antidepressants, binge eating disorder, depression, eating disorder, eating disorders, EDNOS, fluoxetine, prozac, treatment 2 Comments »i don’t know what to think of my antidepressants.
i feel like they are finally starting to work the way they are supposed to work. they help me feel better. they stabilize my mood. when i take them, i pretty much do not freak out anymore. i’m able to ignore things that would have majorly upset me before. actually i’m FORCED to ignore those things. i couldn’t be upset even if i wanted to.
right now there are some things going on in my life that would usually have led to me feeling desperate, sad, angry, scared. the whole clinic thing for example. or the fact that i feel like i’m not losing weight at all. under normal circumstances i’d sit here, pitying myself, crying my eyes out, cutting. well, now i’m not.
instead i just take the things as they are. i do not have any idea how to solve my problems, which i know is bad but i don’t really care. the problems are still on my mind though. it’s hard to explain. i just know that i should be seriously upset and i think i want to be upset because i feel like it would feel somewhat relieving. like, right now it just feels like there’s this pressure growing inside of me and there’s no way i can make stop it.
and not caring about those things just feels wrong to me. i feel like the antidepressants do not help me cope with my problems, they just help me push them to the back of my mind. the problems are still there. and i know it. i want to care. i know i have to care in order to solve them but i don’t. the whole thing just doesn’t feel right.
i found my little sister’s hamster in her cage earlier today. dead. we all liked that hamster. i picked her up and held her in my hand. did i feel sad? yes. but only for about 30 seconds. do i feel sad now? no. slightly upset maybe. but not seriously sad. and this is just wrong. i should feel sad. i want to feel sad. it would help. instead i just feel the pressure growing and growing.
also i’ve been in such a good mood these last couple of days. i can’t stop talking, i’m always happy. annoyingly happy. i know this sounds stupid because i’ve been complaining about how i hate that i’m never happy anymore. but this happy just doesn’t feel real. it feels fake. and it’s exhausting.
i wish i’d feel right again. and at the moment feeling right equals feeling upset. i do not want to go back to feeling severely depressed but it would be nice if my feelings would at least fit my current situation.
i’ve been considering not taking the meds tomorrow. i feel like i need a nervous break down. i just want to let it all out. but i know that it would be dangerous. i’d probably explode. remember the last time i did not the pills? not good. also i’m scared the meds might stop working alltogether if i’d skip them. probably that’s not really a rational fear but i’m sure messing with your doses is not good.
so i’m just going to stay like this. for now. feeling happy. feeling wrong.
so i called
Posted: November 18, 2011 Filed under: eating disorder | Tags: anorexia, binge eating disorder, clinic, eating disorder, eating disorders, EDNOS, family, IP, therapy, treatment 5 Comments »i called the ED clinic.
i’ve mentioned it before, my parents pretty much force me to go IP in some goddamn ED clinic. and i really really do not want to go. i had a long talk with my dad and my sister about things last night. i told them the truth. how i don’t think that going IP will help, how i seriously do not want to go. they still insist on me going. i had to promise that i’d call the clinic today or else they’d do it.
so i did that. i just called. and now i’m seriously freaking out. everybody (the ED counselor, my psych, the internet) said that the waiting lists for those clinics are insanely long. that it takes at least 4-5 months to get admitted.
well apparently that’s not true. the woman i just talked to said that their waiting lists were really short and that all i needed was some insurance form and a medical record and then i could be admitted pretty much immediately. immediately. as in… right after handing in that stuff. as in… maybe two weeks from now.
there’s NO way i can do that. going in 4-5 months would have been bad enough. but at least i could have lost a decent amount of weight until then. i’m not going there. not as long as i’m this heavy. i’m probably going to have to stay there for like 3 months. 3 months of not losing weight. 3 months of being on the same program as severely anorexic girls. 3 months of complete humiliation. plus i’d have to spend christmas there.
this is not going to happen. my parents can’t make me go. not yet. i’m going to hate them forever if they insist on me going now. i tried to explain my situation yesterday. i tried to explain how i can’t go as long as i’m not at least somewhat underweight. they did not get it. of course not.
right now i’m trying to figure out how i can get out of this. i could either tell them the truth. tell them that i’m not going until i’m underweight. that i’m going to go back to restricting right after i get out. that i’m going to be seriously mad if they force me to go.
or i could lie. tell them that the waiting list is insanely long and that i want to try calling another clinic. i could call several clinics and choose the one with the longest waiting list. that would at least buy me some time.
i’d feel bad about lying though. actually i was done with lying. i was at a point where i’d tell them pretty much everything. talk about things openly. but now i might not have a choice. i really don’t know what to do. this is a nightmare.
understanding
Posted: November 17, 2011 Filed under: eating disorder | Tags: anorexia, binge eating disorder, clinic, eating disorder, eating disorders, EDNOS, family, sisters, treatment 6 Comments »i wish i had somebody who understands. i talked to my sister about things earlier today and i was being as honest as i could but she just doesn’t get it. here’s how it went:
me: please, can we walk a little slower?
her: no. i’m cold. come on, hurry up.
me: my legs won’t walk faster. please slow down. i told you i wasn’t feeling well today.
her: it’s because you don’t eat again, right?
me: i am eating. you see me eating a real meal every night.
her: yeah but you’re eating the same thing every night. that’s not normal. also you’re only eating like three spoons full of it. you can’t tell me that’s healthy.
me: i never said it was healthy. but i can’t help it. it’s not that easy.
her: so why are you doing it? is it because you want to lose weight or is it because you can’t eat?
me: i don’t know. both kind of. i want to lose weight but i wish i could eat a little more. i just really can’t.
her: yeah i understand. but your going to the clinic soon. everything will be ok.
me: i don’t want to go.
her: you have to. it’ll help you.
me: it won’t. and i think you don’t get it. i’m serious. i do not want to go.
her: i do understand that you don’t want to go. but it won’t be that bad and it’ll only be 3 months.
me: 3 months is such a long time. it’s a waste of time. i don’t think it’ll help.
her: but why?
me: how would it? how would being forced to eat and doing stupid dance therapy and whatever else they might offer help me? besides i’m just scared.
her: scared of what?
me: as i said, the food. and i’m going to be all alone there.
her: you will make friends. you always make friends.
me: i won’t. not in this… condition. most people there are going to be anorexic. i can’t talk to them, i’m just too ashamed.
her: i understand. but it’s not like they are going to think “wow she’s….”
me: fat? i can’t help but think that they are. and i’m only being realistic when i’m saying that some of them will think exactly that.
her: i don’t think so. they are just normal people. just like you and i.
that’s where i changed the topic. “just like you and i”. that’s exactly the point. we are not alike. i’m not like her. i’m not ”normal”. and no matter how often she might say that she understands, she does not. no “normal” person can ever understand what it’s like. i can talk about it with her openly but it doesn’t really help. because she can’t get it.
this morning
Posted: November 15, 2011 Filed under: depression, eating disorder | Tags: anorexia, binge eating disorder, bulimia, depression, eating disorder, eating disorders, EDNOS, family, fears, friends, treatment 14 Comments »this morning i cried.
…because i looked in the mirror. what i saw was grotesque. fat. too much fat. everywhere. it’s not how i’m supposed to look, it’s not who i am. it felt like a stranger was looking back at me. a fat fat stranger. it scared me. and it’s all my fault. i did this. i binged on thousands and thousands of calories every day for months. i failed.
…because i woke up feeling physically sick. i thought i had to throw up, i wanted to throw up. but i couldn’t. i just feels so incredibly bad. it’s most probably hunger mixed with an irritated stomach. eating would help but it’s not time for food yet. i’m going to have to endure this for another 4 hours.
…because i felt weak. weak and dizzy. my legs would barely carry me when i walked to the bathroom. now it’s a little better as i’m lying in my bed again but i can still feel it. it’s because i’ve been restricting so heavily. but i’m going to keep going. i’m going to keep restricting no matter what. i wonder how this will end. i’ve never really collapsed or fainted or broken down. i wonder if i will this time.
…because i hate myself. not only the fact that i’m fat but also my personality. i’m miserable, i’m self-pitying, i’m not normal. i’m having ridiculous “everybody hates me” issues. i’m convinced that people dislike me. and probably it’s not that ridiculous after all. why would anybody like me?
…because i messed up and i don’t think i can fix it. i could have it all. i have the intelligence, i have the support, i have the money. used to have. i don’t feel like i’m intelligent anymore, i don’t feel like people trust me anymore, i’ve lost a lot of money. i do not see myself graduating from uni. ever. i’ve lost it all. for good. and it’s killing me.
…because i’m hurting my family. i see my mom cry basically every other day. i’ve seen my dad cry, i’ve seen my sister cry. all because of me. they can’t sleep because they are mad with worry. they spend so much money on me. they’d give anything to help me. and sometimes i wonder if it wouldn’t be easier for everyone if i were gone.
…because i lost my best friend. we grew up together, we used to see each other every day and if we didn’t see each other, we talked on the phone. i haven’t talked to her in weeks. i can’t help but feel like she thinks that i’m a freak. i don’t feel comfortable talking to her anymore and i don’t know anything about her life anymore. and she’s not the only one i’ve lost. basically i don’t feel comfortable talking with any of my friends anymore. so i don’t.
…because i was scared. still am. mainly scared of going IP. my parents want me to call the clinic today. i don’t think i can. because i don’t want to. i absolutely do not want to go. i’m going to have to eat and, even more importantly, i’m going to be so alone. and it’s going to be all for nothing. it’s not going to help. i know that.
…and because of dozens of other ridiculous reasons. i was tired, i picked up my dad too late, i couldn’t find my keys, my jeans felt too tight, i still haven’t sent the documents to the guy who’s living in my apartment now, my neighbors saw me in my hobo clothes, i heard a sad song on the radio.
the happiness of the last couple of days is gone. i hate my life.
dinner disaster
Posted: November 14, 2011 Filed under: eating disorder | Tags: anorexia, binge eating disorder, clinic, eating disorder, eating disorders, EDNOS, family, therapy, treatment 5 Comments »“i don’t want to go to the clinic.” i’m in the kitchen with my mom. “i really really don’t want to go.” she’s checking on the food that’s cooking in the oven. “you have to.” i’m close to crying. “i can’t.” “yes you can. you want to get better, right?” i don’t. but i could never tell her that. so i nod. “see. and you’re not going to get better by sitting at home doing nothing. you’re going to call them tomorrow, ok?” i don’t say anything. i can’t call the clinic. i really can’t. i’m terrified of going. they are going to make me eat. and i’m going to be so alone there. “ok? promise me you’re going to call them.” “i can’t.” “you have to. if you can’t call, i can do it for you.” “no!” my mom calling them for me would be even worse. how would that look? “ok. so you are going to call. tomorrow.” i’m crying now. i turn away. “just give me some time. just a week.” i need to stop crying. i can’t have her see me like this. i go over to the couch, stroke the cat. distraction. “no. you’ve lost so much time already.” i keep stroking the cat. it’s not helping, i’m still crying. “i don’t want to go.” stroke, stroke, stroke. calm down.
my sister’s entering the room. “you don’t want to go where?” “to the goddamn clinic.” stroke, stroke, stroke. “but you have to go.” they just don’t get it. “can’t you people understand how i do not want to spend 3 months of my life in some crappy hospital?” stroke, stroke, stroke. “it’s not a hospital. but yes, we can. it’ll help you, you know?” i’ve managed to stop crying. i’m just angry now. i stroke the cat one last time until he decides to go. eat. “it won’t.” my sister is starting to set the table. “don’t set for me. i’m not eating that. i’m going to eat at dad’s later.” my mom looks at me, worried. she can’t make me eat. and she knows that. we’ve discussed this just the other day. when i do not want to eat a certain food, it’s ok. as long as i eat something else. “just promise me that you really are going to eat something.” “god, yes.” i wish they’d stop worrying about me. it makes me feel so incredibly guilty. “i don’t understand why you keep reacting angrily. i was just saying…” “yes.” yes yes yes, whatever you’re saying.
we all sit down at the table. my two sisters, my mom, my stepfather and i. everybody has a plate infront of them. everybody starts loading it with food. everybody but me. they start to eat. i watch them. chicken, sauce, rice, veggies. everything disappears in their mouths. i’m not even hungry. watching them eat is just as good as eating. my sister starts talking about her weekend trip. she visited my best friend who’s living four hours away from us now. i wish i could have come. in the end she’s my best friend. but things have gotten so weird between the two of us. once again i feel the tears coming. pathetic. distract yourself. i drink water, continue watching them eat. my little sister’s taking more veggies. my mom’s already done. she never eats much. my stepfather is about to finish his second plate. i’m trying to figure out how many calories he had. 600? “so.” 700? my sister. “how was your weekend?” 800? “boring. as always.” maybe more than 800? “you really should have come. it was so much fun.” “yeah.” i wish i could have come but i’m just screwed up and i can’t leave the house and it’s really driving me insane. “are you crying?” yes. i am. “no i have something in my eye, excuse me for a second.”
i leave the room, sit down in the bathroom, crying uncontrollably now. i hear their voices from the living room. i hear my little sister ask if she’s allowed to get up. i hear my mom get angry because the dinner didn’t go the way she had planned. i hear my stepfather complain how everybody’s getting up while he’s still eating. i hear my other sister tell them to relax. i hear them snap at her. i hear my sister cry. i hear them yell at each other. i hear my sister slam the door. i hear my mom and my stepfather argue.
and no matter how often they tell me that it’s not, i know it’s all because of me. i’m the reason why dinner ended in a disaster. i’m the reason why everything ends in a disaster.
back
Posted: November 13, 2011 Filed under: eating disorder | Tags: anorexia, binge eating disorder, eating disorder, eating disorders, EDNOS, family 7 Comments »i feel dizzy. i’m trying to say something but i can’t. i’m trying to keep my eyes open but i can’t. my legs refuse to carry me. i collapse. i try to get up. i can’t. a ringing noise. i can’t locate it. i want it to stop. it won’t. again, i try to open my eyes.
this time with success. i wake up, i’ve been dreaming. it’s the same dream that i’m having over and over again. me not being able to walk. me being blind. me being helpless.
again the ringing noise. it’s the phone. “hey, i’m going to pick you up in 15 minutes.” it’s my dad. “wait, what? 15 minutes?” my brain is still half asleep. “yeah you said you’d go grocery shopping with me this afternoon.” “afternoon.. what time is it?” “it’s 3:30. have you been sleeping?!” yes i have. “no of course not. it’s ok. see you in 15 minutes.”
i can’t have my dad know that my antidepressants make me extremely tired. that i’d sleep all day if i could. he doesn’t like that i’m taking them anyway. he thinks that they mess up my brain. in some way he’s right. but i really need them.
so i take them. now. i get up, take my meds, brush my teeth and hop under the shower. only then i realize that i really do feel dizzy. it wasn’t only in my dream. i know that feeling oh so well. the dizziness, the weakness, the light-headedness. caused by heavy restricting. it’s back. i can’t help but be happy about that. it just feels right. it’s how i’m supposed to feel.
my dad is late. thank god. i have enough time to dry my hair. soon i won’t be able to stand while doing that. i will have to sit down because otherwise i’d faint. fainting. losing my conscience. i’ve been so close to it countless times. i’ve never let it get that far though. i’ve always managed to lie down. i’ve always been ok. and i’ve always liked the feeling of almost fainting. because it proves that i’m doing it right. restricting. the only thing that i’m really good at.
i finish drying my hair, get dressed, grab a granola bar and decide to wait for my dad outside. it’s cold. i’m not wearing a coat. because i simply don’t have one that fits. i have two coats: one in size small, the other one in size extra small. if i’m lucky they are going to fit me in five months. before i go IP.
i’m waiting. 2 minutes. 3 minutes. 4 minutes. i’m freezing. it clearly is getting winter. i’m ok with the cold. i like the cold. just like the dizzyness, it’s something i’ve missed. i do know that my thoughts are sick. but i don’t care. i miss being anorexic. almost everything about it. and i will get there again.
by the time my dad finally arrives, i’ve walked up and down the driveway at least 20 times. and i’ve eaten the granola bar. i was planning to eat it in front of my dad because i want him to see that i’m eating. i don’t want him to worry. it’s naive of me to think that him seeing me eat a low cal granola bar will help. he’s worried anyway. they all are. i feel guilty because i make them suffer but in the end it’s not my fault. the whole ED thing is nothing i chose. not consciously.
at the supermarket i go straight to the candy department. maybe i could get myself something. something small. something i can have instead of the granola bar that i have during the day. maybe. maybe not. definitely not. too risky. i feel safe with the foods that i’m eating now. there’s no need to change anything. still i stay there. keep looking.
milka, snickers, oreos. and then the christmas chocolate. so many memories. memories from two years ago when i was at my lowest weight. back then, i allowed myself a certain amount of chocolate every night. and it was the highlight of my day. a rather sad highlight. i’m obsessed with food when i’m restricting. and i feel that it’s coming back.
i decide that i should go search my dad. he can’t see me here sneaking around in the candy department. he knows that it’s not normal. i spot him on the other side of the store. on my way there i pass cereal, cakes, ice cream. i can’t help but stop and look. look at what i love, look at what i can’t have.
“do you want something of that?” my dad is standing right behing me. “no.” i really don’t. i’ve promised myself that i’d never binge again. ever. i will stick to that promise. we go and pay, get back in the car, back to my mom’s. my dad drops me off. “please promise me that you’re going to eat something tonight.” he knows. “yes. i will.” i’m not lying. i will eat. not much though. i don’t need much food. i don’t need much of anything.
i will be thin. i will be happy. i will be me. because it’s back. i’m back.
(as i said, i am aware of the fact that my thoughts are not… normal.)
